You know the saying “If you keep your expectations low in life, you will never be disappointed,” don’t you? Well, have you ever met a soul who lives with that level of self-protection and still experiences fulfillment, happiness, and joy?
I certainly haven’t.
Why not? The best explanation is perhaps in this J. K. Rowling quote: “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.”
So let us live. Let us go beyond just existing and live, come what may.
How might we do that? It takes intentionality.
What Do You Really Want?
In order to really live, you must make a conscious decision first. Not “I will try” or “Let’s see how it goes.” Think about how decisive you are to leave the house when you have a plane to catch. Nothing gets in your way, short of an emergency. It is firmly planted in your mind that you will be on that plane seat to your destination. It is exactly the same thing with your goals: First, make a firm decision to really live.
Here is my humble take:
We cannot really live if we protect our heart so much that we never fall hopelessly in love with other humans lest they break it. (And some definitely will!)
We cannot really live if we take so few risks that our achievements are passable but forever leave us itching for the thrill, the excitement, the climax of our abilities.
We cannot really know the joyous wonders of our own mind and body if we’re always inside a comfortable, familiar bubble.
Nope. No way, no how. Impossible.
I know this in my bones. I used to be all about the safe, the secure, the well-trodden path, the low-risk life. I had been raised that way.
Funny enough, my Iranian parents took the wildest risks when they immigrated us from Tehran to Turkey and then to the USA. Their decisions were all fraught with uncertainty, and they had so many odds stacked against them that it’s a wonder it all turned out so well. Yet they raised me and my brothers to play it extremely safe. I am beyond grateful to them, but this I had to learn on my own: real life joys lie beyond the comfortable and the familiar.
“That’s okay. I’ll take my chances.”
In 2011, 12 years into a successful, high-paying, comfortable albeit miserable corporate career, I reached a tipping point. It was time to stop playing it safe now or I’d get too comfortable to ever do anything about it. I resigned. I left the corporate world without a backup plan.
Imagine the shock and disapprovals and the concerns of my well-meaning family over my risky move. Yet all I kept hearing in my head was this: “That’s okay, I’ll take my chances.”
This stubborn attitude enabled me to walk away from one path toward a wholly different one in life. I’d repeat it over and over to myself every time the doubts set in. “That is okay. I will take my chances.”
I wasn’t in denial. After all, I am a smart woman. I have two electrical engineering degrees. I speak several languages. I am a responsible adult. I love money and the security it affords. But I needed to define a new way of forging ahead, because the traditional path of getting there was not working for me anymore.
I knew that I couldn’t have a boss or a job ever again—that relationship just did not work for me—yet I had no clue how to start or run a business.
That’s okay, I thought, I’ll take my chances.
I had to give up years of engineering skills, project management, and the corporate track after 12 years to do something entirely different and unfamiliar. I excelled at my work but hated it.
“That’s okay,” I said, “I’ll take my chances.”
I wasn’t making any money yet with my business ideas, and I had to stop wasting time figuring it out on my own. I had to hire help, experts, and coaches, and I had to spend a lot of money, knowing it could all fail.
“That’s okay. I will take my chances.”
That’s what you do when it comes to going after what you want.
Go After It-
Based on hundreds of conversations in my coaching business, hundreds of hours of hearing this from others, I am sad to see the phrase “I want X” thrown around so casually. Therefore, I challenge you: Do you really really want it—this dream, this desire, this thing you claim you want?
Is it what you really want to the point that you can’t not have it? Does it feel like you can’t breathe when you imagine giving it up? Does the thought of never having it crush your soul?
If so, then you have got to take your chances. It’s not coming to you; you need to go after it. You need to take every path, however unfamiliar, that gets you closer.
For some people, it may be a quit-the-job-then-start-the-business formula. That was my case.
For many others, business ownership may not be possible and they need to first add a side hustle while staying employed, then pull back from their careers slowly to make room for the side hustle.
You need to make friends with all the discomfort that is required to help you achieve your goal. The discomfort may be going from being a part of a team at work to being solo while you work on your own business (and you may find you love the change). The discomfort may be adjusting to a lower salary as you trade in a cushy job in a toxic environment for a better culture. The discomfort comes in all shapes. Define your discomfort, and slowly make room for it. It’s a necessary part of your movement toward your goals.
It’s not going to be easy either, but easy is neither relevant nor interesting. Why do we keep barking “It’s easier said than done!” when easy has never led to joy? I am willing to bet you do not want an easy life at the end of this road. You want a life of joy, thrills, and happiness so sweet it can make you cry.
You want to live, not just exist.
Eleven years later, taking my chances every single day, listening to my inner voice, ignoring the voice of well-meaning loved ones, sticking to my non-negotiable criteria, I look up at the sky and laugh at how exactly, completely correct my decision of quitting corporate was.
What is the exactly, completely correct decision for you today?
Before you disqualify yourself and see me as special, know this: I’m not a brave person. Like, at all. I’m terrified of the smallest stuff. I do not jump out of airplanes. I avoid all contact sports. I don’t go to big concerts. I scream at the sight of all reptiles. I will not go hiking in the woods. I mean, that stuff is crazy dangerous!
But I don’t mess around with what I want, and neither should you.
I’m going to guess that your problem is not lack of courage or ability or guts. Your problem is dismissing and delaying what you want. Your problem is denying the fact that what you want matters and that it deserves space in your life, on your calendar, in your heart.
And that is a good problem, the best kind, because we can solve that problem. You can wake up tomorrow and decide, no more, thank you, because you will take your chances too.
Work + Time = Success
The decision to pursue your dream career may come quickly, but the reality won’t come immediately. That’s okay. Let it take time. Months, and often years, and yes, in some cases, decades. Claim your victory whenever it happens.
You will also need to do some hard work. For instance, if you are changing your line of work completely, as I did, going from engineering and project management to a creative business (personal growth, coaching, writing books, creating online programs), the hard work begins with identifying the skill gaps and learning more about ways to close them. It begins with small projects like an ebook or a short online course and making a handful of sales before bigger projects.
In addition to the tactical, practical side of hard work, you also want to adjust your mindset to the changes, such as learning to be okay with failed attempts at first. Decide to see all of it as growth, not setback.
Let it take work, the gratifying work that will strengthen your mind and keep your muscles supple and your spirit full. Your job is first to decide what you want and then to take all your chances to make it possible.
Remember how I said people throw around the phrase “I want” so easily? It is because they are not ready to take all their chances. Taking all your chances means exploring every option, leaving no stone unturned, asking “What else?” when your seventh idea goes bust, shifting strategies and educating yourself nonstop to find a way—any way—to arrive, taking rests but not quitting, giving yourself the resources you need, being flexible wherever you can so you can still be fixed on what you want.
The time and the work will move it from a theoretical state of mind into an actual state of being/doing/feeling/living the dream.
A Journaling Exercise
To help you with that initial step, I recommend journaling with a prompt. This is different from the free flow of consciousness journaling where your mind wanders all over. Journaling with a prompt directs your mind into a specific zone and starts the process of self-inquiry there.
I believe we all have the answers; we all possess the wisdom of that exactly, completely correct decision for us. So let’s begin your work by creating a quiet space, grabbing a digital notebook or a physical journal, and reflecting on the questions below.
You must answer each question five to eight times. Each time you ask it, add: What else? The first answers may be good, even interesting, but you have to keep asking the same question until, ideally, the answer jumps out at you from the page. It is the best answer. It is your intuition and your inner wisdom staring back at you.
Question 1. What do I really really want? (What else, what else … ?)
[Example: I want to have my own business. (What else?) I want to make money on my own terms. (What else?) I want to learn how not to answer to someone, how to be boss free. (What else?) I want to live more of my values in this business. (What else?) I want to like the person I’m becoming through my work.]
Question 2. Why do I want this? (Why else, why else … ?)
[Example: I want to do this because life is short. (Why else?) Because I’m tired of wasting my great talents on a job. (Why else?) Because it excites me to live life on my terms. (Why else?) Because I am so afraid I’ll regret it if I don’t do it.]
Question 3. What needs to happen for me to take that next step toward this? (What else, what else … ?)
[Example: First, I need to decide what the business is. (What else?) I need to narrow down what I love and enjoy and can make a profit with in some way. (What else?) I need a strategy to do this, a method, a step-by-step system to help me, and I need to start with educating myself through some research.]
I leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes. It’s by Iain Thomas, a creative writer. For the times that you may forget to direct your own course, please remember these words: “Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, ‘This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!’ And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, ‘No. This is what’s important.’ ”
So next time the going gets tough, and your heart whispers what you want, reminding you of what matters, take a deep breath and whisper back: “I know, and I will take my chances.”